SMALL TALK

Imagine that you’re at a social gathering and have spent the last half-hour playing conversational ping-pong with several people. Every interaction up to this point has been superficial, about things that don’t really matter. Boring stuff. So you begin to look for an exit to escape the misery. Sound familiar? I wonder if you feel the same way I do about small talk?

Naturally, some small talk is necessary to begin a conversation and establish a connection with a person. But when conversations drone on and on about impersonal, low-investment chit-chat, it can drain the life out of us, let alone the life out of the conversation! Know what I mean?

A wise mentor and friend of mine, Randy Reese, once said, “Conversation creates culture.”  The moment I heard him say this, I knew I was hearing wisdom! The culture of any relational context, whether family, friendships, work associates, or spiritual communities, is heavily influenced by the quality of our conversations!

If shallow, impersonal dialogue characterizes the majority of our conversations, then it follows that we will cultivate superficial, unremarkable relationships that do nothing to expand our getting-to-know-one-another or deepen our intimacy. But if spirited, substantive conversations foster feelings of trust and connection, our relationships will reflect this depth and warmth!

I assume most, if not all of us, long for the beauty and richness of lively, robust conversations that lead to growth and connection. Isn’t that what you want? That’s one reason why we feel so drained by small talk. Our souls long for something to grab onto; a morsel of real, honest, important exchange. Perhaps acknowledging that we want more is the first step in creating a vibrant relational network.

In our book, Prayers at Twilight: Daily Liturgies for the In-between Times, we wrote seven liturgies (prayers) based on seven values that have shaped Fall Creek Abbey's culture. Wednesday’s is about conversation. Quality conversation has been the centerpiece of our work as spiritual directors and retreat hosts. And it has undoubtedly contributed to the thick relational culture of the Abbey and in our lives. As I reflect on how conversation has influenced our culture, it’s not difficult to identify some defining features.

1. One person speaks at a time, while the rest of us listen.

The first one that stands out and yet sounds so obvious is learning to let one person speak at a time, while the rest of us listen. That sounds so simple! Nonetheless, most conversations rarely resemble this feature. Typically, those who listen are only listening long enough for a pause so that they can insert what they’ve been thinking about—instead of really listening! This is what gives way to conversational ping-pong and small talk.

One of the profound gifts of being trained spiritual directors is that we learn to practice self-restraint as we offer the directee our undivided attention. If I’m doing my job well, my directees will never feel they need to compete with me for the floor. What an incredible gift—and I mean for both of us! In fact, this kind of empathic, attuned listening is so transforming that, according to psychiatrist Curt Thompson in his book Anatomy of the Soul, it literally changes the wiring in both of our brains—the person sharing and the one who is listening! 

 2. Transforming Conversations Take Risks

The second feature I’ve noticed during transforming conversations is that they involve taking risks. The kind of risk I’m thinking about is when someone offers a morsel of self-revealing personal information, and the listener notices and asks for more. I often wonder if this is an unconscious “test” on the speaker's part to see how interested I really am in getting to know them.

And yes, it can take courage to pursue more, to notice and say something like, “I’d love to hear more about _________, if you’re comfortable telling me.” It might be that they mentioned feeling anxious or sad; that this has been a big week; or that something happened last night that was really hard, beautiful, or scary. Learning to notice these breadcrumbs of self-disclosure and taking a risk to go deeper and ask about them is such an important practice if we want less superficial, more profound connections with each other.

3. What You Share with Me is Safe with Me.

I’m also aware of how important it is to communicate through conversation and my countenance that what you share with me is safe with me, fostering feelings of security and trust. In spiritual direction, we often talk about creating a safe space. Here’s what we mean:

●       We vow to hold in confidence anything someone shares that is of a personal nature.

●       We are determined to be open and unflappable regarding any self-disclosure.

●       We practice hospitality toward the messy reality of our lives. 

●       We normalize the spiritual journey as one that includes darkness, wrong turns, imposing walls,

and unwelcomed silence from God.

This is ground zero for creating a culture founded in quality conversation. And it seems obvious that this was the culture Jesus created when he sat around the table in conversation with “sinners and tax collectors.” Consider the fact that Jesus, the whole and holy Son of God, actually attracted people to his table who didn’t have it all together! This implies something profound about the kind of person he was and the kind of conversations he engaged in! 

4. Curious Questions Make for Quality Conversation

Back to small talk at a social gathering. Have you ever felt “talked at?” It often happens when an individual (and let’s be clear, sometimes that person is us!) hogs all the space and fills it with a glut of words about stuff that most of us find tedious. While we might blame the person for boring us to tears, the truth is we are both contributing to the uninspiring monologue because we haven’t bothered to ask any questions that invite them to share something more personal and meaningful. Asking curious questions can spark feelings of interest and make conversations more engaging.

I’ve never met a person who has a boring life or story. And I’ve never met a person who doesn’t want to be known. Digging into a cache of curious questions, pulling one out that fits the moment, is like using a power tool to transform small talk into robust, lively engagement!

Here are three questions from spiritual direction that anyone can ask:

●       Can you say more about ___________?

●       What’s going on with you right now that feels important?

●       How did you become interested in _________________?

If you’d like to have some other really great questions in your back pocket, let me recommend purchasing a set of our Examine Q’s—35 cards with questions crafted to draw out the real features of our life experience, helping us notice the presence and action of God within us. And if you’d like a book recommendation to sharpen your conversational and question-asking skills, here’s one we highly recommend. We listened to an audio version of it read by the author, and it was remarkable! How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks. 

How Conversations are Creating Culture at The Table 

Another relational space where we experience a rich culture of conversation is in our church community. The Table culture has undoubtedly been shaped by a discipleship course called DNA that most of our community has gone through. It’s based on a book written by our co-rectors, Fr. Ben Sternke and Fr. Matt Tebbe, called Having the Mind of Christ: Eight Axioms to Cultivate a Robust Faith. One of the foundations of the DNA course is learning how to process a “Kairos” with others.

A Kairos is an experience, encounter, thought, idea, or inner prompting that attracts our attention and curiosity. It shimmers to us. In the DNA groups, we learn how to notice what we’re noticing in our own lives and the lives of others. We share our fears, our doubts, our dreams, our desires, even the bad news we’re believing, in order to search for God’s good news in the midst. This practice has permeated our church's culture, creating a spiritual vitality that is contagious. 

On this fourth Sunday of Lent, and during these tumultuous times in our nation and world, it’s easy to feel helpless and hopeless. That’s why it seems more important than ever that each of us consider our part in creating a better culture; a more loving, supportive, honest, curious relational culture. Like you, I ache to know and be known. I think it’s by far the most sublime human experience of life! Yet conversations of transparency and depth are rare. My hope in writing this essay today is that each of you will be inspired to “show up” in your next conversation, and the one after that!

Beth Booram

Fall Creek Abbey

March 15, 2026

P.S. And if you're eager to experience the conversational culture of Fall Creek Abbey, let me encourage you to register for a Holy Week (half-day) Retreat (March 30-April 3). We gather around the table for a communal lunch from noon to 1 pm for those retreating in the morning and the afternoon!