Small Talk

Imagine that you’re at a social gathering. You’ve spent the last half-hour playing conversational ping-pong with several people. Every interaction has been superficial, revolving around topics that don’t truly matter. Boring stuff. You start to look for an exit to escape the misery. Sound familiar? I wonder if you feel the same way I do about small talk.

The Necessity of Meaningful Dialogue

Naturally, some small talk is necessary to begin a conversation and establish a connection. However, when conversations drag on about impersonal, low-investment chit-chat, it can drain the life out of us. Know what I mean?

A wise mentor and friend of mine, Randy Reese, once said, “Conversation creates culture.” The moment I heard him say this, I knew I was hearing wisdom! The culture of any relational context—whether family, friendships, work associates, or spiritual communities—is heavily influenced by the quality of our conversations.

If shallow, impersonal dialogue characterizes most of our interactions, we cultivate superficial relationships that do little to deepen our intimacy. But if spirited, substantive conversations foster feelings of trust and connection, our relationships will reflect this depth and warmth.

I assume most of us long for the beauty and richness of lively, robust conversations that lead to growth and connection. Isn’t that what you want? That’s one reason we feel drained by small talk. Our souls yearn for something to grab onto—a morsel of real, honest exchange. Acknowledging that we want more is the first step in creating a vibrant relational network.

The Role of Quality Conversations in Spiritual Growth

In our book, *Prayers at Twilight: Daily Liturgies for the In-between Times we wrote seven liturgies (prayers) based on seven values that have shaped Fall Creek Abbey's culture. Wednesday’s liturgy focuses on conversation. Quality conversation has been the centerpiece of our work as spiritual directors and retreat hosts. It has undoubtedly contributed to the rich relational culture of the Abbey and our lives.

1. One Person Speaks at a Time

The first defining feature of quality conversation is learning to let one person speak at a time while the rest of us listen. It sounds simple, yet most conversations rarely resemble this dynamic. Typically, listeners are only waiting for a pause to insert their thoughts instead of really listening. This tendency gives way to conversational ping-pong and small talk.

As trained spiritual directors, we practice self-restraint by offering our directees undivided attention. If I’m doing my job well, my directees will never feel they need to compete for the floor. What an incredible gift—for both of us! This kind of empathic, attuned listening is so transformative that, according to psychiatrist Curt Thompson in his book Anatomy of the Soul, it literally changes the wiring in both* of our brains—the person sharing and the one listening!

2. Transforming Conversations Take Risks

The second feature I’ve noticed during transformative conversations is that they involve taking risks. This kind of risk occurs when someone shares a morsel of self-revealing personal information, and the listener notices and asks for more. I often wonder if this is an unconscious “test” on the speaker's part to gauge how interested I am in getting to know them.

It can take courage to pursue deeper conversations. Noticing and saying something like, “I’d love to hear more about _________, if you’re comfortable telling me,” can be a significant step. It might be that they mentioned feeling anxious or sad, or that something happened recently that was hard, beautiful, or scary. Learning to notice these breadcrumbs of self-disclosure and taking the risk to ask about them is essential for fostering profound connections.

3. What You Share with Me is Safe with Me

Communicating through conversation that what you share with me is safe fosters feelings of security and trust. In spiritual direction, we often discuss creating a safe space. Here’s what we mean:

• We vow to hold in confidence anything shared that is personal.

• We are determined to be open and unflappable regarding any self-disclosure.

• We practice hospitality toward the messy reality of our lives.

• We normalize the spiritual journey as one that includes darkness, wrong turns, imposing walls, and unwelcomed silence from God.

  
  

This is ground zero for creating a culture founded on quality conversation. It seems obvious that this was the culture Jesus created when he sat around the table in conversation with “sinners and tax collectors.” Jesus, the whole and holy Son of God, attracted people who didn’t have it all together! This implies something profound about the kind of person he was and the conversations he engaged in.

4. Curious Questions Make for Quality Conversation

Back to small talk at a social gathering. Have you ever felt “talked at?” It often happens when an individual (and let’s be clear, sometimes that person is us!) fills the space with a glut of words about topics that many find tedious. While we might blame the speaker for boring us, the truth is we are both contributing to the uninspiring monologue because we haven’t bothered to ask questions that invite deeper sharing. Curious questions can spark interest and make conversations more engaging.

I’ve never met a person who has a boring life or story. And I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want to be known. Digging into a cache of curious questions and pulling one out that fits the moment is like using a power tool to transform small talk into robust, lively engagement!

Here are three questions from spiritual direction that anyone can ask:

• Can you say more about ___________?

• What’s going on with you right now that feels important?

• How did you become interested in _________________?

  
  

If you’d like to have some great questions in your back pocket, consider purchasing a set of our Examine Q’s—35 cards designed to draw out the real features of our life experiences, helping us notice the presence and action of God within us. For further reading to sharpen your conversational and question-asking skills, I highly recommend How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks.

How Conversations are Creating Culture at The Table

Another relational space where we experience a rich culture of conversation is in our church community. The Table culture has been shaped by a discipleship course called DNA that most of our community has gone through. It’s based on a book written by our co-rectors, Fr. Ben Sternke and Fr. Matt Tebbe, called Having the Mind of Christ: Eight Axioms to Cultivate a Robust Faith. One foundation of the DNA course is learning how to process a “Kairos” with others.

A Kairos is an experience, encounter, thought, idea, or inner prompting that attracts our attention and curiosity. It shimmers to us. In the DNA groups, we learn how to notice what we’re noticing in our own lives and the lives of others. We share our fears, doubts, dreams, desires, and even the bad news we’re believing, searching for God’s good news in the midst. This practice has permeated our church's culture, creating a spiritual vitality that is contagious.

On this fourth Sunday of Lent, during these tumultuous times in our nation and world, it’s easy to feel helpless and hopeless. That’s why it seems more important than ever that each of us consider our part in creating a better culture—a more loving, supportive, honest, and curious relational culture. Like you, I ache to know and be known. I believe it’s one of the most sublime human experiences! Yet conversations of transparency and depth are rare. My hope in writing this essay is that you will be inspired to “show up” in your next conversation and the one after that!

Beth Booram

Fall Creek Abbey

March 15, 2026

P.S. If you're eager to experience the conversational culture of Fall Creek Abbey, let me encourage you to register for a Holy Week (half-day) Retreat (March 30-April 3). We gather around the table for a communal lunch from noon to 1 PM for those retreating in the morning and afternoon!