The Epidemic of Self-Deception

Image by Alice Schwager

When Ted Lasso turned to a disgraced Rebecca and said, “You’re not the only one who sees what kind of man he is,” he was referring to Rupert, her obnoxious, immoral, greedy, ego-driven ex-husband. And I knew exactly what Ted was referring to. Our intrinsic ability to know what kind of person a person really is. In Rupert’s case, it wasn’t a hard call. 

Leadership and Self-Deception is a book that acknowledges our innate ability to discern the quality of our own or another’s inner character and integrity, or lack thereof. I read it more than two decades ago, and it convinced me that we all know in our “knower” what’s right and true, yet because of our propensity toward self-deception, we often ignore that innate source of light that tells us the truth about ourselves and others. 

Self-deception is the unconscious or conscious practice of believing that a false or unvalidated idea or situation is true. When we’re self-deceived, we’re blind to the truth of what is really going on. For instance, when we pretend to know more than we know about a situation, we’re engaging in self-deception. Or when we’ve adopted another’s false narrative, we’ve become self-deceived.

But why would any of us choose to believe something that isn’t true, or not believe something that is? We do so because self-deception is a defense mechanism that helps us mitigate powerful and unpleasant emotions and thoughts associated with insecurity, fear, anxiety, inferiority, shame, or emptiness. 

Can you recall a time when you were in a group and someone told a joke you didn’t get? Did you laugh? Probably. Why? To avoid the embarrassment of appearing daft because you didn’t get a joke that all your friends obviously did! You not only didn’t admit this to your friends, but you may have glossed over your own cover-up to yourself. While this example is harmless, we often misrepresent to others and ourselves what we really know, think, or feel. And, in turn, we fall for others who do the same to us. Here are some common reasons why:

1. To please others.

2. To impress others. 

3. To avoid judgment. 

4. To conceal insecurity.

5. To evade the hard truth. 

There’s also another reason. We deny the truth about ourselves, others, and situations because we’ve been immersed in a culture that encourages self-deception. Have you ever noticed that when parents have a habit of lying or exaggerating the truth, their kids often follow suit? Culture teaches us the cunning art of self-deception. And “If a liar can deceive himself into believing he is telling the truth, he will be far more effective in convincing others.”*

This last statement, to me, squarely describes the current epidemic of self-deception in our country. Evidence of self-deceit abounds! According to Gregg Vanourek, here’s how it shows up in us and our peers, in our pastors and in our politicians. Those who practice self-deception tend to

• make excuses for themselves and their allies

• don’t accept responsibility for the things they’ve done 

• blame others for their problems

• avoid unpleasant or painful realities

• act defensively and become threatened when people challenge them

As you and I read this list, we may immediately want to point the finger toward those it reminds us of. While that is half the battle when it comes to self-deception , the first direction we need to look is within ourselves. When we can begin to spot our own patterns of self-deception, then we can more easily identify them in others. We learn to attune to our innate “knower” that helps us discern what’s right and true.

Integrity is the antidote to self-deception. Integrity isn’t, however, the elimination of difficult feelings or offensive thoughts that spawn self-deceptive patterns. Rather, integrity lets in as much light as possible by acknowledging how I really feel, what I really think, what my true motives really are, and what I really see so that my inside and outside match. I become a person of integrity by graciously telling myself, in the presence of a loving God, the truth. 

Now I’m admittedly a people pleaser. I care a great deal about how others see me. One way this shows up is in my attempt to appear warm and conciliatory when I’m really pissed off! I would hate for anyone to know that I’m angry—heaven forbid! So, I mince my words, trying to sound unaffected and reasoned. The self I present to the person who angered me and the self I am inside are two different entities. (To be clear, I’m not suggesting that I should blow up the next time I’m angry at someone!) To possess integrity, I need to acknowledge my anger to myself, and perhaps the person, rather than deceiving them into believing I’m someone I’m not.

Jesus repeatedly warned his followers not to become self-deceived. He called out the Pharisees for being “hypocrites,” another word for this malady, describing them as grooming their outward appearance, but being filthy on the inside. (Matthew 23:25) Using imagistic language for our inner knower, Jesus said,    

“Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is” (Matthew 6:22-23)! 

In this passage, Jesus was describing the way we see reality. If we’re healthy, we’ll see things as they truly are, and our perception will provide clear direction for the whole of our lives. But if we’re unhealthy, if our way of seeing is distorted, then our whole life will be filled with darkness. Jesus concludes that those who are in the worst shape are people who think their way of seeing is full of light, but in reality, it’s full of darkness.  

To summarize, the health and well-being of our society is contingent on how much light our “eyes” take in. If we take in only a little, if we see only what we want to see, we will suffer from self-deception, consciously or unconsciously denying reality. Integrity, on the other hand, is open to reality and tells the truth about what it sees, whether it's inconvenient or incriminating. 

During this epidemic of self-deception, which, in truth, has been rampant throughout all human history, the cure begins and ends with humility and the willingness to take another look at what I’m seeing. To become more self-aware in order to be less self-deceived. To admit to being human and prone to self-deception. To admit to being human and in need of love. 

*quote by Daniel Kriegman, Robert Trivers, and Malcom Salvin from Gregg Vanourek’s blog: Deceiving Ourselves